Grand Ole Party

My limited capacity to comprehend books without pictures and politics has put me in a conundrum. I am a simple person who enjoys comics. Thus, in order to understand politics I need to equate them to superheroes. Continuing from last week's article on the Democrats, this week I look at the Republican candidates:

Rudy Giuliani: This former mayor of New York City is the perfect candidate to become the protector of Sector 2814. That's right! Rudy Giu is the Green Lantern. Strong-willed and determined to make the United States into a better nation, who else can wield the Oa power ring? He acted like a top-notch leader during 9/11. Hal Jordan faces these types of threats all the time. In fact, Hal's own city was attacked and destroyed. Oh wait, that was because Jordan was mad with power. But we try to forget that little part of GL's career. Much like Giuliani's iron-fisted reign over NYC.

John McCain: Captured as a POW in Vietnam, the experience changed McCain's life. He dedicated himself to the betterment of his country. Does the Senator's origin sound familiar? That's because he's Iron Man. Tony Stark was also captured by an evil Asian mastermind, the Mandarin! And like Iron Man, McCain's views have turn towards the drastic side, i.e. the U.S. should only have a Christian president. Don't be surprised if the Senator clones Jesus and has Clone-J blast a hole through Joseph Lieberman! Once considered mavericks in their respective fields, both these men need to find themselves again and fight for the greater good.

Mitt Romney: This candidate has drawn the suspicious ire of the right-wing evangelical Christians. His Mormon religion has ostracized him amongst his constituents. Maybe it's his religion or maybe it's because he's a MUTANT! Misunderstood, persecuted, and discriminated, he could be one of Charles Xavier's students. But, Romney isn't an X-Man; he's more of a Morlock. Mitt is Leech. Both Mormons and Morlocks are alienated and prosecuted; not fitting in with their Christian counterparts nor their mutant brethren respectively. Don't worry, Mitt. One day you'll be accepted by the surface-world. One day.

- Andrew Jung